What to Do with a Should

 A few years back, I found a diary of my 17 year old self.  One glaring observation was the number of times I used the word "should" across multiple scenarios--I should dress like this, I should get better grades, I should act act nicer, etc.

Psychologist Carl Rogers had a term for this: conditions of worth.  It 's the assumption that we are worthy of being seen as "good" only when we meet certain conditions.

If we don't meet those conditions, we generally distort or ignore our own experience as we attempt to fit them.

For example, to make the assertion that I "should" get better grades, I had to ignore the fact that I was lacking some basic academic skills at the time (writing, reading comprehension, etc).  It was not simply a matter of immediate effort.  What was needed was a lot of academic guidance, tutoring, and an overhaul of planned coursework.

In the shadow of "conditions of worth," the real reasons I was struggling were over-simplified as black and white alternatives.  I was either a "good" student, or a "bad" one.  The huge grey area of the long journey towards improved academic did not neatly fit into this construct.  It also made it easy to ignore pockets of strengths, such as acknowledging assignments I did well on, and the fact that some classes were more of a struggle than others.

In the end, my academic counselor outlined a detailed, year-long improvement plan and things slowly got back on track.  He held up a much wider reality for the than: "you should work harder."

If you're struggling with a "should," what's your wider reality?

Warm regards,

-Mariya