What Patterns are We Living Out?

“I should always be nice, and never mean.” A little voice pipes up from the backseat after I ask: “Do you ever feel the need to be some other way for people to like you?”

My five-year-old is already internalizing people-pleasing and suppressing unpleasant parts of herself.

My goal as a parent has always been to raise a child who understands her own feelings as much as the feelings of other people. I suspected that I was coming up short of that goal. As a busy mom trying to get two kids out the door in the morning, “let go of your brother, now!” often escapes my mouth. At that moment, I don’t care what she’s feeling or why she’s grabbing her brother—I just want her to comply. I want her to change her behavior because I don’t like being frustrated.

The more patient me would say: “I don’t want you tugging at your brother. I’m going to get him in the car and then check in with you to see what you need.” This kind of interaction, which sets boundaries and doesn’t override my child’s feelings, is the conduct that’s in line with my parenting values.

In the book “Values in Therapy,” psychologists Jason B. Luoma and Jenna LeJeune define values as patterns of meaningful living that you want to see in your life. In other words, values are being a certain kind of person as defined by what you do.

If I value raising a child who accepts her feelings, has empathy for others, and is able to problem-solve through conflicts, I need to identify and model those patterns of behavior.

What might those patterns look like? Luoma and LeJeune suggest brainstorming specific actions a person could take to live out one’s values.

In this case, I know there are some sentence stems that tend to well work for my child. (Note: These are inspired by the work of Janet Lansbury).

Sentence Stems for Setting Boundaries

I don’t want (I don’t want you to climb on that)

I’m going to (I’m going to pick you up and put you in the car)

I won’t let you (I won’t let you hit your brother)

Sentence Stems for Listening to Feelings

I notice (I notice things haven’t been going your way this morning.)

I wonder (I wonder what made you so frustrated that you felt like hitting?)

Sounds like…is that right (Sounds like you’re mad about something. Is that right?)

Sentence Stems for Empathy and Problem-Solving

You were feeling ______, and the other person was feeling ______

What can we do? (What can we do to help both people feel heard?)

What did the other person want or need?

I decided to post these sentence stems on the fridge to nudge me in the direction of being the kind of parent I want to be.

It’s not going to be perfect. There will be days when I default to old parenting patterns. All we can do is take small steps towards what’s most important to us, day by day.

What do your patterns look like? What value-based actions would you like to take in your daily life?

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