A Different Perspective on Self-Esteem: Part 1

In the 80's, psychologist Carl Rogers wrote that we should teach children to prize themselves. On the surface, this might seem wise: don't we want our children to feel good about themselves?

Our self-esteem is a sort of self-appraisal...how are we doing? Are we generally capable, good people? If our message to children is that they are simply entitled to this good feeling no matter what, that can lead them down a wrong path. High self-appraisal (self-esteem) can make people feel like they are more liked by others, even when that fact is not always reflected by objective reality, and some studies have correlated it with higher levels of prejudice, bullying, and cheating (Baumeister, et al 2003).

Our self-esteem needs some grounding in reality.

This is the basis for Sociometer theory by psychologist Mark Leary ("socio" meaning social and "meter" meaning measure). It's a fancy word for a fairly straightforward concept: we don't develop our self-esteem in a bubble –we sense the extent to which other people value us, and we sense our own place in society. Our true self-esteem is therefore not how we feel about ourselves, but how we think other people feel about us. This sense of how other people appraise us can be inaccurate. Someone with narcissistic tendencies might overinflate their self-appraisal, and someone experiencing depression might believe they are valued less than they really are. This appraisal can also go up or down. If you hurt someone's feelings or made a serious mistake, your self-esteem likely takes a hit.

You might be protesting at this point: What about being "yourself" no matter what other people think of you? What about resilience and bouncing back? There are always mean folks, critics, and bullies out there, and we don't want our children's self-esteem hijacked by their opinions.

The truth is, our children's self-esteem is influenced by the total sum of their social interactions, including those who mistreat them. The answer is not to disregard unpleasant messages, but to develop a more accurate perspective of their own value.

In this post, let's take a look at what bolsters our children's sense of interpersonal value. Then we'll cover strategies for dealing with critics and setbacks in part 2.

Leary wrote about two kinds of social value we have in the world: instrumental social value and relational value.

Instrumental social value includes our sense of that our contributions to society matter: post-office employees deliver our mail, software programmers refine the apps we use everyday, real people grow the food we buy at supermarkets. Our society is complex and we have a lot of practical (instrumental) needs to be fulfilled. If we feel like we're not contributing in a meaningful way, our self-esteem declines.

We can help our children increase their sense of instrumental social value by including them in cooking, taking care of household tasks, and lending a hand to help friends and neighbors. The impact of feeling like their social contribution matters cannot be underestimated.

Our relational value comes from something deeper: love. Our children make messes, do things that frustrate us, and have a tangible financial cost to us. Yet, if someone offered to trade your child for different one who was "easier" and less costly to maintain, you would probably be horrified and offended. Why? Because it matters that this child is that particular person – it's YOUR child. You ultimately value your child for the emotional (relational) attachment you have to them, and not for the practical, instrumental value they add to your life.

Relational value is bolstered when children know that someone values them as they are. Parents are the most likely candidates for this role, but certainly friends, other family members, and teachers can communicate their affection for the child.

Key Takeaways:

We develop positive self-esteem in a social context, not in a bubble. You can bolster your child's self-esteem by grounding it a social reality. Help them find their instrumental social value by encouraging them to contribute to their family, friends, and community. Help them feel like they are loved and belong in your family to bolster their sense of relational value.

Stay tuned for "Part 2: Dealing with Bullies, Critics, and Setbacks" in the next post.

Cover Photo by Michelle Bonkosky on Unsplash.

References:

Baumeister, R. F., Campbell, J. D., Krueger, J. I., & Vohs, K. D. (2003). Does High Self-Esteem Cause Better Performance, Interpersonal Success, Happiness, or Healthier Lifestyles? Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 4(1), 1–44. https://doi.org/10.1111/1529-1006.01431

Cheng, J. T., Tracy, J. L., & Anderson, C. (2014). The Psychology of Social Status (2014th ed.). Springer.

Leary, M. R. (2005). Sociometer theory and the pursuit of relational value: Getting to the root of self-esteem. European Review of Social Psychology, 16(1), 75–111. https://doi.org/10.1080/10463280540000007

Rogers, C. R. (1982). Freedom to Learn for the 80’s (Revised ed.) (p. 3). Merrill Pub Co.